Her Majesty's A Pretty Nice Ghost

    It is I, Queen Elizabeth the Twoth, recently departed monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Turns out the old chestnut about ghosts appearing due to unfinished business is true and I'm living proof. Well, not quite living. 

    I realize I, the Queen, reigned for a very long time and cast a prodigous shadow over the second half of the 20th Century as well as the first two decades of the 21st. I have many haters, but also many lovers. Wait, that last part came out wrong. How about this? Loads of you were, and remain, obsequious lickspittles who cared more about what your unctuous fawning would do for your careers than about me, the Queen. I, the Queen, can only assume some of you are responsible for the forlorn soundtrack heard in every Tesco, Co-op, and Poundland across the breadth of this sceptered isle. The same nine bloody miserable tracks play over and over from Penzance to Aberdeen, from Kingston Upon Hull to Haverfordwest during the 10 day mourning period.

     About that: please be sad that I, the Queen, have crossed the bridge into the next phase of existence, whatever you believe that is. But stop wallowing. Are we not the stiff upper lip people? Did I, the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, ever say, "Yes, loyal subjects, 'Drops of Jupiter' by Train is my jam!" I, the Queen, did not. Why would I enjoy that pretentious drivel when the closest it gets to good is when it vaguely sounds like "Champagne Supernova?" And what's it got to do with me? What's it got to do with anything? 

    Did I, the Queen, ever suggest that the best way to honor my legacy posthumously was playing an obsessive-sounding John Legend love song? Or "Candle In The Wind?" That's about Marilyn Monroe, later retconned into being about Lady Diana Spencer. Does that seem like it's in good taste to you? Don't think so, Bowser! 

    These aren't my favorite songs. I, as previously mentioned, the Queen, dug "Leaning On A Lamp Post" by George Formby. I, the Queen, enjoyed "Praise, My Soul, The King Of Heaven." The Queen even liked herself some "We Will Rock You," the overplayed at sporting events anthem by an artist named for me, the Queen! Don't believe me? Citation needed? See below, subjectophones! 

https://americansongwriter.com/7-of-queen-elizabeth-iis-favorite-songs/  

    Nor are any of these unhappy tunes even tangentially related to me or to Queens in general. "Nothing Compares 2 U!" R U kidding?! All right, so it was written by Prince, but that's tenuous indeed. "Hallelujah" seems to have been composed solely to make people sad and contains the lyrics "she tied you to a kitchen chair/she broke your throne." Yes, the throne part is vaguely queenly, but what's up with that BDSM tosh? Were you supposed to be in love with me, the Queen, or something? If so, the Queen regrets to inform you that she did not feel the same way in life, nor in death, and only wants to be friends, and not even really that. 

    The dearth of creatvity says little for British culture, known historically for phenomenal writing, humor, and inventiveness. No "Little Queenie" by Chuck Berry, no "The Queen and I" by Gym Class Heroes, no Bob Dylan's "Queen Jane Approximately," no "Mean To Your Queenie" by unheralded Southern rockers Point Blank? (Yes, I'm familiar; you have to know these things when you're a Queen, you know) 

   Please get this matter sorted so I can rest easy. God Save Me, this is dire. To paraphrase another Queen, find a more suitable way to show me some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  

    

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