Notice of Resignation

    I hereby formally submit my resignation in protest of this organization's outrageous vaccine mandate. When I first signed on to work as a vaccine test patient here at the Vaccine Experimental Testing Centre For Medical Advancement, I had no idea vaccinations would be seen as some sort of requirement. You can imagine how blindsided I felt recently when the company circulated both a typed letter and an email announcing all employees must be vaccinated by October 31st. I said to myself, is this some sort of April Fool's Joke? 

    During my tenure at VETCFMA, I have received vaccines for Marburg virus, Yellow Fever, Scarlet Fever, Chartreuse Fever, Little Willie John's Fever, and Peggy Lee's Fever. I have dealt with the side effects of the Medium Pox vaccine, the Pox On Both Your Houses vaccine, and the Pox News Network vaccine. I've experienced unsightly blemishes on my forearms, water on the elbow, my jaw thrown out of alignment, and versions of Hat Hair and Bedhead that last for months no matter what manner of hair care I attempt. But this vaccine mandate is a bridge too far. How dare this company force me take a shot when I have no idea what's in it? Yes, the ingredients are listed on the syringe itself, but the print is much too small for me to read and I can't pronounce most of those polysyllabic words. 

    You may recall at the onset of this alleged pandemic, I said the virus was no worse than the Boogie Woogie Flu, which has as a nearly 100% survival rate (the woman who fell to her death shouldn't count; who tries to Boogie Woogie in a moving helicopter anyway?!) This was not simply my own baseless opinion. Many medical authorities, such as the late Dr. John and the illustrious Sir Nose D Voidoffunk arrived at the same conclusion. Now that the virus has killed millions worldwide, I concede it is somewhat worse than the Boogie Woogie Flu, but how many of those people were going to die anyway? Most of them suffered from other ailments such as Consumption, Tuberculosis, Nervous Text Fingers, Avocado Toast Syndrome, and that scourge among young males, Fortnite Blues. By the way, what happened to the Boogie Woogie Flu?! Have you seen how few cases there have been since the virus hit? Coincidence? What does "coincidence" mean? Does anybody know? 

    One thing I will never compromise is my rights. Never. Ever. My rights are non-compromisable! Now if you want to discuss a deal where I promise not to disclose how some of the vaccines affected my former colleague Tom (aka "Half Jellyfish Tom") by arranging a generous severance package, we can talk, but I will not compromise my rights! 

     You may ask, probably in an annoying, squeaky voice, what about others? Don't others have rights too? My answer is, of course they do! I'm not denying that. My point is, if "others" get sick from being exposed to unvaccinated people like me, THEY STILL HAVE MOST OF THEIR RIGHTS! Almost all of them, in fact. They still have freedom of speech to say, "Son of a gun, I'm sick!" They still have freedom of expression to cough and sneeze. They still have freedom of temperature, one of our most sacred rights! They're not confined to what is considered "normal," around 98 degrees F. They can go higher, even into triple digits. Freedom! Mind you, I don't like being that warm personally, but who am I to say others can't get as hot as they darn well please? 

    In conclusion, I am deeply disappointed in VETCMFA, and in my colleagues who have already taken the vaccination, accepting the mandate like some sort of sheep or lemming. I didn't feel that way even when I got injected with the experimental rabies vaccine, which included lemming genes. Nor did I "jump" off the walking bridge into Stump's Creek shortly thereafter; even the authorities agreed I "fell."

    It is not too late to waive this ridiculous mandate, and treat your employees as humans rather than guinea pigs. 

    Sincerely, 

    Culver Templeton DelCamp the Oneth

    Associate Needle Recipient, Second Class